It’s okay to not know what to say to someone with cancer
First of all, it’s okay to not know what to say. There’s no perfect script for these situations, and the fear of saying the wrong thing can make people hesitate in saying anything at all. But silence can feel worse than an imperfect attempt at support. If you’ve ever found yourself not knowing what to say to a friend or family member with cancer, you’re not alone. Having been through breast cancer myself, I know that many people stayed away or did not message; not because they didn’t care, but because they didn’t have the right words. After all, what do you say to someone when life becomes full of unknowns? I’ll take the pressure off. You don’t need to craft a life-changing speech; you just need to show up.
The power of simply being there for someone with cancer
One of my best friends, Rebecca, did this perfectly. On one of my worst days, she came to my home and simply sat with me. She laid on my bed, and we talked about regular life stuff… no forced positivity, no awkward small talk, she just held space for me to feel whatever I was feeling. No fixing, no forcing. We hugged, we cried, and it was exactly what I needed. Amongst all the visitors that came and went, she was the only one who just sat and was truly with me. She also helped me clean my home because I physically couldn’t. Sometimes, it’s not about grand gestures, it’s just being present.
What NOT to say to someone with cancer
While most people mean well, some comments can feel insensitive or just plain unhelpful. Here are a few things to avoid:
- “My Aunty had cancer, [insert terribly dramatic story] … sadly, they didn’t make it.” (No one needs to hear these stories.)
- “Just stay positive! Positivity cures everything.” (Cancer doesn’t care about your mindset; treatment does.)
- “Everything happens for a reason.” (Please, just no.)
- “You don’t look sick!” (They may not look sick, but they’re living through it.)
- “At least it’s not [insert another type of cancer].” (Minimising someone’s experience is never helpful.)
If in doubt, stick with kindness, honesty, and just being present.
Understanding the balance between positivity and and holding space for difficult emotions
Cancer is a rollercoaster. There are good days, and there are truly awful ones. While the power of positive thinking can be helpful, it’s just as important to allow someone to sit in their sadness when they need to. Telling someone to “just stay positive” can feel dismissive, as if their very real emotions aren’t valid.
Instead, acknowledge the hard moments. Let them vent. Let them cry. Let them be angry if they need to be. But also be there to remind them that they are more than their diagnosis and that better days exist, even if they can’t see them yet. The key is balance: support without forcing toxic positivity.
Things you can say and do if someone has cancer
What to say:
- “I don’t know what to say, but I just want you to know I’m here.” (Honest, simple, perfect.)
- “This absolutely sucks, and I hate that you’re going through it.” (Acknowledging it is so much better than avoiding it.)
- “Would you like to talk about it, or would you rather I distract you with something?” (Gives them control.)
- “I love you, and I’m here for whatever you need.” (Because love and support never go out of style.)
- “You don’t have to reply, but just know I’m thinking of you.” (Takes the pressure off them responding.)
What to do:
- Send a text without expecting a reply. A simple “Thinking of you” or “Sending you love today” means so much more than silence.
- Drop off food, but don’t overcomplicate it. Cancer patients don’t need gourmet meals, they need easy-to-eat comfort food (and snacks. Always snacks).
- Offer specific help. Instead of “Let me know if you need anything,” try “I’m heading to the shops, give me a list of what can I grab for you?”
- Show up in small ways. A funny meme, a voice note, a quick “How’s today going?” text. It’s the little things that count.
- Don’t disappear after treatment ends. Recovery is long, so keep checking in.
At the end of the day, it’s not about having the perfect words. It’s about being there. And trust me, saying something is always better than saying nothing.
Did you know that 1 in 7 women will be diagnosed with breast cancer at some point in their lives? Early detection and timely treatment offer the best chance of survival.